Key Ring Theory

I constructed a theory a few years ago that I believe accurately describes what it is like to be single and on the prowl. I refer to this theory as ‘Key Ring Theory’, I sometimes refer to it as ‘Key Chain Theory’. This blog is from a ‘woman’s perspective’, so it will be described in that way, however this theory can also be applied to men.

Personally, I have two key rings that I carry around with me. One that has my car and apartment keys, and another that has a bottle opener and a dozen of those rectangular store membership cards. In this theory, I am referring to the key ring with the bottle opener and store membership cards.

Each of these objects on the key ring represent (theoretically) a man in my life. An easy one would be the bottle opener. The bottle opener is the guy I only ever message when I have been drinking. My drunk mind will randomly alert me that I need to pick up my phone and begin what will likely be a regrettable text conversation. However, in my normal, sober day-to-day life I never really talk to this person, but put a few drinks in me and it is the bottle opener’s time to shine!

Moving forward we have the Kroger Plus Card. Since this is my go-to grocery store, I use this card at least once a week if not more. (Other versions could be a gas station card, or really any convenience store card for a place you visit frequently.) The Kroger Plus Card is the guy you really deep down want. You spend the most time and effort trying to communicate with this guy, and try to see them. This doesn’t mean he is necessarily the best guy for you (I don’t always go to Kroger with good intentions… cake… wine… cake&wine…) but he is definitely the one that receives the majority of your attention.

Random card from a store that you went to when you visited Florida that doesn’t actually have a location in your home state. You can’t miss out on a good deal, so perhaps the store clerk when you were on vacation talked you in to joining their free membership program. And although your home state does not have this store, you still keep the key chain on your key ring just in case you’re ever in Florida again. This guy is the one guy that does not live anywhere near you, but you don’t want to let go of him ‘just in case’. He stays on your key ring just in case the day comes where you need him.

Store is closed but I still keep their membership card on my key ring. This guy is MARRIED… or in a relationship… or really anything that has deemed him ‘un-datable’. However for some reason we keep this key chain even though we know we can’t use it right now. Some people are just key chain hoarders, others hope that maybe the store will open again some day. Either way, ring or no ring, this guy for some reason still remains on your key ring.

Specialty Store Card (Spencers, Halloween Store…)┬áThere are stores that we do not use all the time, however we still hold on to the membership card key ring for whenever we need them again. Often times these are the men in our lives that are a little more risque, and maybe we snagged them just to piss off our parents. The seemingly ‘bad boys’ that we only use when we are looking to have a little fun and spice up our evening.

The theory is that as a single person, we tend to hold on to men whether we actually are interested or not. You might argue that this is horrible and that people who have all these key chains are leading men on. It is not a matter of leading anyone on. If I tried to use my bottle opener as a Kroger Plus card it would not work because the bottle opener knows it is a bottle opener and not a Kroger Plus card. It is hard being single and it is helpful to have a well stocked key ring to make it through sometimes.

You might wonder why this is posted on a dating tips blog, and the reason is: if you are not a Kroger Plus card in the eyes of the boy/girl you like, then get off the key ring. UNLESS you are content with being the bottle opener… then be a bottle opener. Read, reflect, and figure out who you are on the key ring. Although we try to trick ourselves into believing we are someone’s Kroger Plus card, a lot of the time we already know that is not the case.

What kind of key chains do you carry around? What/Who do they represent for you? Please comment below I would love to hear your feedback! Thank you & Happy Soul Searching! xoxo


One thought on “Key Ring Theory

  1. outstandingbachelor

    The key chain theory you present is an excellent one.

    I do a lot of reading, so I often couch my analogies in terms of reading material.

    What kind of novel is she: a romance, a mystery, a classic, or outright horror? Maybe suspenseful, maybe pedantic. Is she inspirational – with more than a tinge of self-improvement? Does this book curls up in my lap, to spend time with after dinner, sitting in front of the fireplace. Is this a book I am going to take to bed with me?

    Take a look at the bookshelf. So many books – so little time.

    And you can’t judge a book by its cover.

    Or can you?



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