The Armpit of Doom.

I have been told that my late twenties single hood is because of two reasons: 1) I’m too picky 2) I am dating all the wrong guys. Well of course I am dating all the wrong guys, if I was dating the RIGHT guy,  I wouldn’t be in this situation right? I have always pondered whether or not I am too picky, but then I think back to all the horrible experiences in dating I have had and I realize that there is no way I am being too picky. This story that I am about to share, is 100% true. This is likely the worst first date I have ever been on…maybe…

The Story:

A friend of mine encouraged me to go out with his friend… for privacy sake he will be referred to as Wilbur. Wilbur was handsome in his photos, a supreme texter, and I was really excited to meet him. After spending a week as texting buddies we finally agreed to meet for dinner one night.

I’m not just a girl, I am an intense girly girl. I seldom go on a first date without buying most of my outfit that day. That is likely why my closet has become the size of a department store. A first date, especially with a guy you really feel a connection with, is comparable to a night at the oscars. You want to be red carpet ready, and not possibly miss out on a great guy because of something IN YOUR CONTROL. I spent the entire day getting ready for this dinner. You might wonder why this is important to the story? It is because men do not realize how much effort a girl will actually put into getting ready to meet you for the first time. Don’t make me regret it.

I pulled up to the steakhouse where we had agreed to meet. He called me and told me there was a very long wait, and asked if I would get in his car and we could go looking for somewhere else. (Keep in mind, I am not stupid, this person was not an entire stranger. I would NEVER get into a complete strangers car.) I walked out to find where he was and he zipped up in his shiny black car. I opened the door and slid into the seat. BEFORE he ever even said HI to me the first words that came out of Wilbur’s mouth…. “What is that smell?” I immediately grew concerned. I worked so hard to make a good first impression… I know I remembered deodorant… I showered… I just splashed some body spray on… Is there residual shit on my shoes that I wasn’t aware of?? I nervously squeaked “What? What smell?” and then Wilbur started “OH god how much body spray did you use? I hate when girls wear scented stuff! It smells terrible!” I was overwhelmed with feelings of embarrassment, and also anger. I have never met a man that was that repulsed by Pink Chiffon. That shit works EVERY TIME!

We pulled up to a restaurant and I quickly leaped out of his car hoping to not suffocate him any longer with my horrible smell. We went in and got a table and the fun began… I can be pretty defensive when I feel that I have been wronged, so as we debated the topic of women and body spray, I was battling full force. Wilbur was a pretty well known guy, he had dabbled in the music industry and we had a lot of mutual friends. Wilbur decides to pick up his phone and make a post on Facebook questioning if people agreed with him that girls that wear scented lotion, body spray, shampoo, soap, deodorant smell good or stink. His opinion was declared that he felt they STUNK. This bothered me on two levels, first this is a date and you’re spending it questioning your Facebook following about whether or not I stink, second because people knew I was out on the date with him he was basically telling everyone that he though I stunk.

The comments started coming in…he spent almost the entire meal reading me comments of people agreeing with him. In the meantime I tried to ignore his asshole-ic (made up word but it fits) nature and enjoy my free meal. I can be pretty picky when it comes to my food. I don’t really enjoy sharing food. I was eating a pasta with chicken and broccoli. My OCD tendencies had me ration off the few pieces of chicken, so that I could enjoy chicken in almost every bite. That’s when I saw the silver fork come from the other side of the booth and straight into not one, but TWO pieces of chicken. Then I watched as my chicken left my plate and found it’s way into the mouth of that over judgmental asshole. He smiled at me as I saw my chicken being severed between his teeth. Then he continued on the debate about whether or not I stink.

Chicken Thief

Chicken Thief

He had mentioned a few times that even scented deodorant was disgusting to him. My armpits smell like coconuts and pineapples, he said that was disgusting and women should get unscented deodorant. I told him that I didn’t think unscented deodorant would be more preferable. I wish I would have NEVER opened my mouth…

Armpits of Doom

Armpits of Doom

Wilbur informed me that he was currently wearing unscented deodorant and I should take a whiff and see that it doesn’t smell bad. I told Wilbur that I was fine, and I didn’t need to smell his armpit. Wilbur decided to get up from his side of the booth and come over to mine… he then (THIS IS REAL I SWEAR THIS HAPPENED. WILBUR EVEN ADMITS HE DID THIS) raised his arm and grabbed MY HEAD and SHOVED IT IN HIS ARMPIT. It gets worse…he then closes his arm, locking my head in his armpit, and tells me that he is going to keep me there until I have no choice but to smell it in order to breath. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t even tell you what it smelled like, if it smelled like anything. At that point I just realized that a grown man shoved me in his armpit and made me smell it on our first date. The date ended shortly after that, and I have not gone on another date with Wilbur again.

In Conclusion:

Wilbur was guilty of a few dating infractions:

1) Insulted me

2) Insulted me to the world of Facebook

3) Spent most of the date playing on his phone

4) Ate my food without asking

5) Ate with his mouth open

6) Shoved me in his armpit

I hope this story has at the very least entertained you, or maybe you learned something, or maybe I have scared you off from dating. However I appreciate anyone who took the time to read and I hope you enjoyed it! Although Wilbur definitely made me think twice about dating (in general), I didn’t let it stop me. The story of Wilbur tends to be a great ice breaker and now just makes me laugh when I think back to how terrible it was. Please follow/comment/like if you would like to hear more stories and get more tips! Thanks for reading and HAPPY SOUL SEARCHING! xoxo


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