I normally try to not repeat topics so that my material is always new and untouched. However there is a topic that I covered in an earlier post that I believe needs to be brought back up and thoroughly reexamined.
**THIS IS MY PERSPECTIVE ONLY AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY ENCOMPASS THAT OF EVERY WOMAN ON ONLINE DATING**
**Slightly explicit material near the end, reader discretion is advised.**
If I had a dime for every time a man wrote me a message to tell me how rude I am for not messaging him back (even if it is to just let him know that I am not interested)…I could quit my job. I have never noticed this habit as much on okcupid, however on POF this seems to be an hourly battle.
MEN OF THE ONLINE DATING WORLD…LISTEN UP!
Since my initial entry into POF, my daily message stream has calmed down considerably. However, that still leaves me with at least 50+ messages a day. I don’t check my messages the second they are received, I normally check them when I wake up, during lunch, and while i’m lounging around later. So when I do check my messages there are normally around 20 or so to go through at a time.
The men of the online dating world have expressed that they feel that if I am NOT interested, I should still send a response to let them know. In case you have never had a lot of messages in your POF inbox, let me tell you how this app works.
FIRST: I have to scroll down through all the messages in order to get to the first one I have not read. This can take a few flicks of my finger on the screen to get there.
SECOND: I open your message and read it, if your message hasn’t completely scared me off, I will view your profile.
THIRD: Upon viewing the profile I will decide whether or not I am interested. IF I am NOT interested, I will switch back to my inbox and move on to the next message.
HERE IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE APP. If I were to do as all of you think I should, and respond to EVERY message that comes my way…after I type and send my message, the app takes me back to the top of my inbox. So then I have to go back to step one and work my way through the steps once again. If I DON’T message you back to tell you i’m not interested, then I can go to where I left off in my inbox instead and quickly get to the next message.
“Oh that’s just you being lazy, it wouldn’t take that much extra time to message a person back to let them know you’re not interested…”
I agree, that sounds like a pretty lame excuse to not send a letter of declination. HOWEVER the problem is the person will RESPOND to my message, and 9 times out of 10 ask me WHY I’M NOT INTERESTED. This starts the never-ending loop. If I try to reply to 50 messages and tell them all i’m not interested…at least half of them will respond wanting to know why, and the other half will respond to thank me and move along. So now I have doubled my daily inbox intake to AT LEAST 100 messages a day. (AND THIS IS ONLY ONE OF THREE APPS I’M A MEMBER ON!)
The point is when a girl doesn’t message you back, go ahead and assume she is NOT interested. If she responds and doesn’t say ‘i’m not interested’ then that means SHE PROBABLY IS INTERESTED!
I have had some people who have messaged me a few times…first the initial message, followed by a sad face or a ‘I guess you’re not interested…’, followed by a message calling me some kind of name (slut, bitch, whore, skank, jerk, etc) for not messaging them to tell them i’m not interested. There have been a few times that I decided to speak up and let the person know that i’m not interested and that it is nearly impossible for me to message EVERY ONE back to tell them that.
I won’t do that again…WHY? WHYYYYYY? Because every guy that I have EVER told “I am NOT interested in YOU“, has ALWAYS come back and attacked me about how I am such a superficial person for NOT being interested in them. They think that because they don’t have abs, perfect hair, great height…THAT is WHY I am NOT INTERESTED in them. Here are some excerpts from the message stream:
- “Oh i’m sorry just because I don’t get drunk and hit girls I guess i’m not good enough”
- “What do I have to do? Join a gym? Start binge drinking? Cheat on you? Is that what you want?”
- “I’m a nice guy, it sucks you have to be such a superficial bitch or you would see that.”
- “F**k you. You’re f**king ugly anyway and I was just going to f**k you and leave.”
- “You’re a stuck up bitch and probably full of STDs anyway…”
- “You will wish you would have gave me a chance when some guy leaves you bruised and bloody you stupid c*nt”
Yeah…this is what I get to read every single day. I didn’t even pick the bad ones, some people are REALLY messed up. It sucks because online dating is something that I think should be fun, and I feel bad that I have upset so many people, but i’m here to make ME happy…That’s the point of these sites. I don’t understand people who waste their time attacking someone through messages when they should be spending their time looking for the right girl (or boy).
I wish I had the time to message back every single person and give them some detailed account of WHY i’m not interested…but I have a life, a job, cats, family, friends, and so many other things going on that keep me from spending my day responding to messages. What kind of life would that be to have to spend it hurting people’s feelings and telling them WHY you’re not interested? A REALLY SHITTY AND SAD ONE! So I prefer to keep my positive vibes and only message those that I am honestly interested in.
I’m sorry if this was a little bit of tough love, but seriously suck it up. So many men on dating sites act like I OWE THEM something…I don’t owe you shit. If that makes me a superficial bitch, then I guess I am a superficial bitch. I’m going to instead focus on positive energy and the nice messages, and the messages from the guys I decide I am interested in…
How many girls out there have experienced something similar? This happens in real life too! I would love to hear your feedback.
MEN: Would you like to counter any of my points and reasonings? I would love to hear about it!
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THANK YOU FOR READING & HAPPY SOUL SEARCHING! xoxo
how2cupid 
Wow those guys have issues! Yeah I’m like you, if a guy messages and I am not interested I just don’t reply, whatever, I have written to guys that haven’t replied to me, you don’t see me getting all huffy, it happens!
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Exactly!!!!! I have had plenty of guys that never reply to me and i have never even considered messaging and attacking them over it! It completely amazes me how pissy they get!!!
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My brief time on online dating sites was never that way…no guy ever messaged me hateful messages if I didn’t respond. Maybe a couple more “hellos” or “how are yous” but never the meanness. That’s really fucked up. Is that how they respond to a girl in person who turns down their advances? Gosh
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I agree!! I have done online dating for such a long time and I have never come across this!! But wow the men of POF are hateful and angry these days!!! I think I might refocus my energy back to okcupid. People were nicer there!!
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Yeahh that might be a good idea!! My friend used POF but every.single.guy she talked to just wanted to hook up. She came to the conclusion that, at least in our area, it’s just used for a hook up site. Maybe a few good guys on there but…yeah. she moved on lol
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Yeah, I always wonder how those individuals deal with rejection or disinterest in person. Are they acting out because of the computer screen or are these the kind of guys that follow a woman out to her car when she walks away from the bar? Idk.
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I agree! When I do get the more derogatory messages I can’t help but wonder how true that speaks of the person writing them!
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Even so, acting out over the computer is just childish! But let’s hope it’s just computer rage and they don’t actually follow a woman…cuz that’s a lotta men responding hatefully online:/
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I’ll bite. I wonder if you even know how out of touch with reality you are. 50 messages a day? Seriously? You should be thankful. Guys get maybe 1 or 2 messages a week. And mostly from fat women. Why? Because thin women like you are getting so many messages that they never have to even browse the men. Fat women don’t get messages, so they actually have to man-up and initiate if they want to meet anyone. Just like men. Obviously these losers who are hate-mailing you are messed up, and obviously you are right that responding creates a vicious circle. But have some empathy. You have no idea what it is like to be a normal enough guy with a job, a symmetrical face and all his teeth, write 50 women messages, and get no (zero) responses. It’d be nice to get some feedback as to why not. I think that’s the lesson here. Just some thoughts.
Pete
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The online dating world is full of stereotypes. I am judged on my appearance just as much as anyone else. We all send messages that never come back. That goes for myself, and other women as well.
Im not being ungrateful for having people who are interested in me. I am just shocked at how vicious people can become to someone they don’t even know, that has not done anything wrong.
The point is, the right person eventually will make their way into your inbox. Why waste your time messasging the wrong person over and over again? You will know when it is the right person because they are actually going to respond.
Thank you for your comments and feedback! I appreciate hearing more from the other side!!
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Nice job keeping it positive. It’s all too confusing to me, so I’m done with it. Just as another example, one woman I met online and date for six months liked that I was persistent So I took that as a cue that other women might need a few messages to get their attention. Hopefully, besides my first line in the comment above, you can tell that I’m not a vicious message-er, but my professional conclusion is the whole thing is a joke. Marketers are collecting the data we volunteer on the surveys, some people are hooking up when they otherwise might not, and a lot of people are remaining single–only more disillusioned. Nice chat here.
Pete
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