Category Archives: plenty of fish

The Disappearing Act…

A reader e-mailed me with a problem that they have faced in online dating.

“On those rare occasions when I get responses to the numerous e-mails I send out and good conversation occurs, going back and forth for a day, a week, maybe two weeks and then sudden and absolute silence from the female occurs, what just happened?”

I can’t speak for every girl in the online dating world, but I can at least give you a few ideas as to why the disappearing act happened. I know how disappointing it can be to feel a connection growing with someone, and then they disappear in the blink of an eye. You’re left with no answer as to why, and can only wonder what happened. I have three theories as to why a girl disappears in the midst of a good messaging string.

Too Late…

Most women that I know are at least talking consistently with 2-3 different guys at a time. These 2-3 men have surpassed the initial inspection and are onto the next step in this process. Out of the 2-3 guys, one of them is going to either stand out, or ask for her number first. I know a lot of guys are not sure WHEN the best time to ask for her phone number is, but I would say that after a week it would be acceptable. I normally will swap phone numbers after just a day or two, just because it is easier to text than it is to message through the apps.

When a girl gets a phone number from a guy, she tends to ease off of the dating website, and starts spending more of her time texting with this guy. This man has made it to step 3 in the process and is on his way to getting a date. Because this girl is now spending more of her time texting this guy, she somewhat, if not entirely drops off of the online dating world. This means that the other 1-2 guys that she was messaging with are no longer in her focus. She will likely reappear if the first date doesn’t go well with the texting guy, but if she never does…then i’m sorry to say she’s likely off the market.

Outside World…

Very similar to the above scenario, the outside world can cause the disappearing act too. We live in the day and age of NOW. We want things NOW! Patience is a virtue that we almost don’t have to have anymore because everything is so instant. Although she has enjoyed conversing with you on the dating website, an attractive man at the grocery store could cut off that communication stream in an instant. When we meet men in real life, there is no week long messaging that results in a phone number and date. Instead we immediately jump to phone number, and the first date could be the next day. It is much more instant, and therefore more desirable in our mind.

If she meets someone in real life, she might not log onto the dating websites ever again. It sucks when you have put in so much effort through a weeks worth of messaging, but ready rice is a lot more tempting than having to boil and strain out regular rice. If this new prospect ends up not being a match, then she might resurface eventually, and likely will tell you she’s been busy at work.

Transaction vs Connection…

I have found many times I will be messaging with a guy and out of nowhere it starts to feel like work. There is a fine line between a TRANSACTION and a CONNECTION. If I find myself searching for things to talk about in order to keep the conversation going, it feels more like a transaction to me. A connection is where you find yourself having so much to talk about, that there are not enough hours in the day to go through all of it. It takes little to no effort to message back and forth with this person because you have a great CONNECTION.

When I start to feel like I am having to try TOO hard in order to maintain a conversation, I get disinterested very quickly. Normally when I start to feel the disinterest, I will just message the guy and let him know that I don’t see a connection. However, some men can be pretty needy and want to know what’s wrong, what they could do differently, etc etc. Because there is always the possibility of having to spend extra time explaining your feelings, this can be a less appealing thing to do. That is why I think a lot of girls tend to just stop messaging altogether, and hope that you’ll take the hint.


I have had a lot of guys ask me WHY I don’t see a connection, and ask WHAT they can do to change. Finding out why I don’t see a connection, isn’t going to help you connect with someone else. Just because you’re not MY type, doesn’t mean that you’re NOT someone else’s TYPE. That’s why I think a lot of girls try to avoid being asked these questions. We don’t want to be responsible for someone trying to change who they are as a person. That is why I tread very lightly when I offer up one-on-one advice to guys.

For example: If you are very outdoorsy, then I won’t feel a connection with you. I HATE the outdoors. Unless I am on a beach with a cocktail, I would much rather stay inside. I agree that opposites attract, but there is no way in hell I am sleeping in a tent. I don’t want you to stop doing things that you love, just because I don’t love those things and I most likely NEVER WILL. Relationships are about compromise, but I think that there is a certain level of compromise that should be off limits.

Another example: I typically will not talk to guys that are into running marathons, and similar running activities. When I was a teenager, I broke both sides of my ankle on a trampoline. Fortunately they were able to reattach the bone by screwing them together, and I was able to walk again. HOWEVER I am not able to run anymore. I could run, if I was being chased by something or someone, but I wouldn’t be able to walk the next day. I will never be able to run with you, or participate in marathons, because I am physically incapable. So when your profile says you would love a girl who can go running with you, I already know that we wouldn’t work out because of this. I could follow you in my car, but I think that takes away some of the magic of ‘running together’.


In conclusion, I can’t necessarily give you an EXACT reason WHY a girl disappears, but I wouldn’t rule out any of my theories. That is why I would suggest to not wait more than a WEEK before giving her your phone number. You don’t need to spend weeks and months messaging each other before taking that step, and if the messaging has been consistent and equal, then she will likely be glad you made the move. It doesn’t hurt to at least throw your phone number out there, and give her the option.

“Hey, I definitely will keep talking to you on here if you would prefer…but I wanted you to have my phone number if you decide you would rather text me. (###)###-####. :)”

TADA!!! Now she has your phone number and the ball is in her court, and I think you would be surprised at how quickly she will text you. If she doesn’t text you, then she’s possibly timid, or she might not be THAT interested. There are TWO very important things to remember depending on the result of this message:

She Doesn’t Text: KEEP TALKING TO HER! Act as though the phone number suggestion never happened, and continue the messaging stream through the dating website like normal. Don’t make her feel pressured to switch to texting, and show her that you don’t care HOW you two talk, just as long as you’re talking.

SHE TEXTS!!!: Although text messaging is a new platform for your communication, it is important to keep it similar to the last one. Think about when you get a new pet…if you plan on feeding it a different food than what it used to eat, you have to ween the pet with the new food slowly. The same applies in this situation. You want to keep the messaging similar to what it was through the app, but throw in some surprises occasionally. Pictures are a great tool to use! Send her pictures occasionally of either yourself, a pet, food, or anything you think she might enjoy seeing. The pictures make her view you as more than just a random guy on a dating site, she starts to think of you as a real person.

Thank you for reading and also thank you to the reader that suggested this topic!!! I hope that I was able to shed a little light on why girls have disappeared on you in the past. Have I missed any possible reasons why a girl (or guy) stops messaging? Is there something that has caused you to cut off communication with someone? I would love to hear about! Please follow my blog if you would like to read more and so I know you’re out there! Please feel free to suggest topics for future posts by either commenting below, tweeting me @how2cupid, or e-mailing me directly at how2cupid@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you! Good luck & happy soul searching!!! xoxo

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Worst Things You Can Say in a Message…

I know I spend a lot of time detailing some of the most horrific message fails in the online dating world. But there are some messages that appear harmless on the surface, yet very often will result in no response from a girl. So for this Friday night, I bring you…the WORST THINGS YOU CAN SAY IN A MESSAGE….!! ***scary music playing with a clap of thunder***

Detailed Biography…

I am not saying that a lengthy message is necessarily a bad thing to send, but the content is extremely important. If you’re planning on sending a message that is more than a few sentences, make sure your content is actually interesting. As an example, here is a detailed biography message I received:

“Hello Jenn. My name is Eric. I am 25 years old and I live in Dayton. I like sports and my family. I am an accountant. I like the bengals. I love to workout…………..(message continues with very similar sentences for quite some time…)…If you want to hang out I promise I will show you a good time! Message me if you’re interested!”

Well…Eric…although I definitely see some things that we might have in common…I also am bored to tears. The genericness of the biography is what kills it. In addition, you don’t need to state your name, age, and location in your opening message. This information is already there… Try to show me that you read my profile, talk about the interests that we have in common, and tell me why. A message with that amount of thought put into it is going to mean more to me, and i’m more likely to respond to it.

You’re…________________

If you want to try to message a girl with something that is simple and sweet, you need to make sure that it is grammatically correct. One of the most common messages I receive is along the lines of “You’re Beautiful” “You’re Gorgeous” “You’re sexy” … Only they don’t look that enticing because they normally look more like this… “Your beutiful” “Your gorgous” “Your sexy” … I am not a complete grammar nazi, but I feel like if you’re sending me a message, you would want it to be perfect. So when I see things like that, I picture you sending off a thousand incorrect “Your beutiful” to all the women on the site. It definitely makes me feel a little less ‘beutiful’…

Asking me questions I already answered…

Nothing is more frustrating than receiving a message asking questions that are clearly answered in my profile. I am shocked at the number of times I get “What’s your name?” … my username is wishfuljenn … really? And on POF they have a little spot where you put your first name on your profile… So when I get a message asking me what my name is, I am wondering if this person also needs to be reminded to breath?!

I know that my profile can be daunting to some, but at the very least look it over and make sure that I haven’t already answered the question that you’re about to send me. You will find that more girls will message you back if you SHOW THEM you took the time to LEARN about them!

!@#@$#%^%%@#$#@

Any message with any type of profanity, or of a sexual nature should be avoided at all times. When you message a girl and talk about her sexually, clearly you’re showing her that you’re only interested in one thing (even if that is not your intention). If a girls profile is all about how much she just wants to settle down, then chances are she isn’t going to be interested in someone who clearly only wants to stick it to her!

I mention profanity a lot, and based on my blog posts you might wonder why the hell I care about profanity? I curse like a sailor, but if I was trying to meet the love of my life, I certainly wouldn’t start it off with a few bombs. I just think it is common courtesy and respect to at least wait and see where her comfort level is with language like that, before you start using it.

Don’t Be Shy…

I HATE THIS MESSAGE SO F*CKING MUCH! I swear I think this is the WORST message you can EVER send to a girl…or at least to me. When I get a message that either includes or completely consists of these three words … “Don’t be shy…” I swear my stomach hurts. When I hear those words, I imagine some creepy old man standing next to a beat up van, mouthing these words while curling his finger begging me to get in…

This is the kind of phrase that I hear from roofers, guys driving by while i’m walking, guys driving by while i’m unloading groceries, guys driving by at ANY F*CKING TIME. I HATE THIS PHRASE. PLEASEEEEEE DO NOT USE THIS PHRASE. If you use this phrase I can guarantee you will NEVER hear from me. This phrase sucks balls. I would rather you tell me you want to slather my body in chocolate syrup and throw a bunch of sprinkles on me, than to hear this stupid phrase. You’ve been warned…

In Conclusion…

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you the perfect message to send to get a response. I can only tell you about the kind of messages that I don’t like, and the kind that I do like. Just because I hate some of these things, doesn’t mean every girl also hates them. If you find yourself sending messages like this, and you’re not getting many responses (or any), it might be a good idea to try to change it up a little bit. The most important thing is just to READ and LEARN about the girl before you send the message. You can probably tell from her profile whether or not she would appreciate any of the messages I listed above. Like I said, this is just me, but there might be a lot of other girls out there who think very similar to me. If you find yourself out of luck, CHANGE IT UP.

Thank you so much for reading! I promise to have another new post up by tomorrow! In the meantime please feel free to check out some of my older posts. Here are links to some of the popular oldies:

The Morning After

Awkward Moments for the Eternally Single

Reasons Why Cats are Better than Boyfriends (with pictures)

If you enjoy what you see please FOLLOW MY BLOG! Then you will always know when a new post is up! You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid and I post alerts on there. You can also use the SHARE buttons at the bottom of the post and share my blog with your family and friends! OH and  I have some questions for you as well:

1) What would you like to see in the future of how2cupid?
2) Any requests for upcoming posts?
3) What are you going to be for Halloween?
4) What kind of message on an online dating website do YOU hate?

Can’t wait to read your responses! Please comment below!

Thank you & Happy Soul Searching!
xoxo

Lost in….TRANSLATION!?!

I have been reading a lot of messages and profiles recently on online dating sites. It really started making me think about certain phrases and words I saw often, and how subjective a lot of what we say can be. For example: I say I enjoy drinking wine. My version of enjoying drinking wine is trying different wines, exploring their different characteristics and learning about them. However, to another person, enjoying drinking wine might mean that in the random occasion that they are at a bar, they enjoy a glass of wine as their drink of choice. However, to ANOTHER person, this may mean that they enjoy binge drinking wine (a handle of Moscato or White Zinfandel) on frequent occasions resulting in black outs and random sex-capades.

The point is, if I met a person and we both said we enjoyed drinking wine, at first it appears to be something we have in common. However, in our own individual contexts, we might not actually have anything in common. This can apply in a number of situations, but what I plan to discuss today are some common terms and phrases in the dating world that can be very subjective.

“Crazy girls need not apply.”

Well apparently this person must want no girls…because it is likely that at some point in every girl’s life she has been considered crazy. I know that I have been referred to as a ‘crazy girl’ before by some men that I have met. However, it is possible that MY kind of crazy is NOT the kind of crazy that you are trying to avoid.

I knew a guy who had an ex-girlfriend that actually broke in to his home and attacked him in his sleep. I would consider her crazy. However, my obsessive need to make plans in advance may have appeared crazy to the guy who called me it…but I would never break into a guy’s house and attack him in his sleep. (Unless it was preplanned with him…and for fun!) Every girl has their own version of ‘crazy’, it is just about finding the right guy who finds our ‘crazy’ not so…crazy?

That’s why I think that instead of using the blanket term crazy when listing what you are not looking for, it may be more beneficial to elaborate a bit. For example: In the case of my obsessive need to make plans in advance. The person could say “I am not really a planner, and I don’t like to follow a schedule. So if that is something that is important to you, then it is possible we might not click.” Now you have clearly defined what it is you might NOT be looking for, and you didn’t have to say crazy in order to do it. So the OCD girls will click away, move on, and not waste your time and you can find the ‘un-crazy’ girl of your dreams.

“I’m a really nice guy.”

There was this guy I knew…he used to post on Facebook all the time! Always whining about how he was such a nice guy, and how he didn’t understand why girls didn’t want him, but only wanted assholes. I have seen a number of profiles and messages of men either making the same argument or just in general saying that they are a nice guy.

Men of the world, most girls don’t actually seek out assholes. A lot of the time we are completely unaware that our man is an asshole, until his assholic-ness shines through. That being said, I also think that almost every guy is a nice guy. Because it really depends on what your definition of NICE GUY is.

Is a nice guy just someone who doesn’t cheat? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy just someone who holds doors for women and always pays? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy someone who never argues or verbally battles with a woman? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy just someone who doesn’t beat women? Maybe to some…

The point is there is no globally used definition for a NICE GUY. It can be a number of things, and it might not always mean the same thing to different people.

Fun Story…

My ex and I were out to dinner one night. Dinner ended and we were getting ready to leave. I stopped to use the restroom before we left to head home. When I walked out of the restroom he wasn’t in the corridor waiting. I waited a few minutes, just incase he also had to go…Finally I decided to head out to the parking lot to see if he had gone out there. I walked out to the parking lot to find that his truck was gone. I stood around, looking, trying to see if he was anywhere…. I tried calling him… I started to worry, but just then he zipped around the corner and puled up next to me. He was laughing his ass off from watching me look like an idiot while I wondered whether or not he had left.

So…I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS! I laughed the whole ride home as we replayed the story over and over again. I told other people about it because I thought it was so funny…I was surprised to see that so many people called him an asshole by the time I finished the story. I didn’t think he was an asshole for doing that, I thought it was an awesome stunt, and for the most part, he is a pretty nice guy. WAIT WHAT?!?! NICE GUYS CANNOT BE ASSHOLES!!!!!! Umm…yes…they can…

Personally I don’t like when a guy is overly nice. I want them to have ‘nice’ traits…don’t cheat on me, don’t ignore me, don’t physically or verbally abuse me… but I like a guy with a little fight in him. My major point is instead of saying “I’M SUCH A NICE GUY!” say WHY you are and tell more about YOU. Otherwise it could get lost in translation and girls might skip over you because they are worried you will be ‘too nice’.


Wow. I have a lot more but this is getting really wordy. So perhaps this will be a PART 1 of MANY! 🙂 I try to keep these posts relatively short so they are a little less daunting to read. There are many more words and phrases out there. Just take these two examples and read through your profile, or your messages, and see if you can find more examples.

What are YOUR definitions for the two samples above? Let’s see how different or alike they may be! I think you’ll find it’s a little hard to break your perception of the phrase and put it into words. What do you think about the stunt my ex pulled? Asshole? or Hilarious? Please follow my blog, and like/comment/share my posts if you enjoyed what you have read! That is the only way I will know you all are out there! 🙂 You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid for updates on when new posts are up! Thank you and happy soul searching! xoxo

Why I write…

I have had a few messages where people have asked the question “Why are you doing this?” It is understandable why people are wondering WHY I decided to dedicate a fifth of my day to writing and talking to complete strangers about their problems. Well there are two main reasons WHY I do what I do:

  1. I LOVE TO WRITE!
  2. I love to help people.

Every single time I receive a message from a lost soul asking for some guidance, it makes my whole day to try to help that person. Even if in the end I only succeed in helping ONE person, it would all be worth it. I love hearing your stories, partly because it makes me feel like i’m not alone, and because with my analytical personality I can’t wait to dive deeper and find the root of the problem.

I love to make people laugh too. Whether it is openly admitting that I HAVE actually put deodorant between my butt cheeks to test my fart theory, or detailing a horrific date where I was forced to smell a man’s deodorant, I am glad to bring a smile to anyone’s face.

I used to write a lot when I was younger. I would spend hours attached to a composition book, writing short stories, song lyrics, and whatever happened to be on my mind that day. When you become an adult, your imagination begins to shrink, and finding TIME to express yourself in your creative outlet of choice becomes almost impossible.

It was while I hastily slurped my wine, and retyped my online dating profile that I finally felt that sense of creativity that I have missed so much. I never lost my ability or my imagination, I just needed to refocus and find where it would fit in my life today. Any great writer will tell you that one of the most important parts about writing is to write about WHAT YOU KNOW. I have spent five years battling the wars of adulthood and dating, and if only my twenty-one year old self would’ve known what I know now…I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

I KNOW relationships, I KNOW dating, and I have become quite the expert in ONLINE DATING. I went on over thirty FIRST dates this summer, and to come up with a figure for a lifetime tally would be impossible. Some would look at my ‘dating data’ and call me a failure, but I consider it a success. It only took me until I was twenty-six years old to finally know what it is I AM LOOKING FOR in a relationship. NOW I know that it is NOT WORTH SETTLING just to keep yourself from having to be alone.

I settled in my last relationship. He was an amazing guy, but he wasn’t an amazing guy for me. I went through hell and back, and I have nothing to show for it except faded mascara stains on my pillow case from the tears. I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel they need to settle. I want to motivate people to find themselves, and then find someone who is going to love the hell out them.

They say we learn best from experience. I am trying to prevent anyone from having to experience what I have had to experience. I hope that by reading and learning about my experiences, you can see the crash coming before you find yourself engulfed in the flames.

That is why I write. That is why I am here. That is why when people e-mail me with questions, I always find time to respond. I am not here trying to change anyone, I am here to hopefully open the eyes of some that might not be seeing the full picture. I am here to make you laugh. I am here to make sure that you know, that you’re not alone.

Thank you all for reading and for all the wonderful feedback. If you want to hear more from me I urge you to please follow my blog, like and comment on posts, and let me know that you’re out there. I promise I will bring some laughter into the next post and not be so serious! Good luck out there and happy soul searching! xoxo

Plenty of…. MATCHES?!?!

I have been an a frequent okcupid user for the past few years. I can’t even really remember why I decided to start using okcupid, but it has been a front runner for me for years. I had a lot of fun on the Tinder app and exploring the capabilities it had to offer. However I found a few bugs in the app that really started to get on my nerves, so I decided to explore other apps.

I used match.com for a short while about five years ago. I couldn’t really remember why I stopped using it, so I decided to give it another chance. After spending about 30 minutes putting together my match.com profile, it was approved, and the messages started flowing. However when I went to view these messages, I couldn’t because I was not a paying subscriber. I must have had a free trial before, and I forgot that was why it was free! I would have actually thrown down some money for this site, I liked a lot of what I had viewed so far, and I was anxious to talk to a few people. However their subscription pricing plans stopped me in my tracks…

  • 6 months: $21.99/month
  • 3 months: $24.99/month
  • 1 month: $42.99/month

I know a lot of people say that when you pay-to-play you get a higher quality of potential matches. I don’t think I necessarily believe that to be true. Not to ‘toot my own horn’ but I think that I could be a great match for the right guy, but I am not willing to spend as much as $42.99/month to find him.

I decided to refocus my efforts, and look for a less expensive, preferably free alternative. When I first started online dating it was about five years ago. I have disappeared from the world from time to time when I am either in a relationship or fed up, but it all started about five years ago. The first dating site to pop my online dating ‘cherry’ was Plenty of Fish. I am sure that many of you have either heard of it, or have used it before. Plenty of Fish is very similar to okcupid, and it helps that it is free to use.

I started up a new profile on my phone and the initial setup process only took me about five minutes. I didn’t have time to really add a whole lot of information, but I posted a picture and a message letting people know I would add more later. Since I opened my account at 4:26pm eastern standard time, I have received over 100 messages. I haven’t even had the chance to update my profile. The app can’t handle uploading a photo and receiving a message at the same time, so there were issues there as well. Just to give you an idea, after reading through all the messages, within ten minutes I had this…

Holy Moly

Holy Moly

The messages keep coming in… I have seventeen new messages since I took that screenshot a half hour ago. Then of course there is my lonely match.com message from some poor guy who probably spilled his heart out, but because I am a cheapskate I will never know what he said…

However, I am well aware of what the men of Plenty of Fish have to say. They clearly haven’t read my blog…in their defense I haven’t posted a link yet. I was going to entertain you with a collection of the worst and best messages that I have received so far, however this app has a very hard time handling high traffic and it is proving to be quite the challenge. Plus my cat is in my writing space…

My Assistant

My Assistant

Most of the messages so far are a combination of the ‘Hey, how are you?’, ‘What’s up sexy?’, ‘Have you ever considered a sugar daddy type relationship?’, ‘Future wife.’, ‘Please message me’, and the list goes on…some messages were too vulgar to post in my blog. I try to keep this as PG-13 as I can. I am sure as the excitement of another fish in the pond wears off the messages will slow down. I have seen a lot of new faces on this app, I have also seen a lot of familiar faces as well.

I highly recommend to any of you trying online dating to make profiles on numerous sites. This expands your reach and gives you more options. You never know who you may find out there. And for those of you that think it is so easy being a pretty girl on these sites, you couldn’t be more wrong. More than half the messages I get are just men looking for ass, and the other half just liked the way I looked. There is a very small percentage of men who message me, that actually have taken the time to learn about me, and want more than just a one night stand. Furthermore, not every guy that I message will message me back, and sometimes they message me back to tell me bad news.

For example, today I messaged a guy on okcupid that I thought was handsome and very interesting. The first few initial messages were going very well and I was actually kind of excited. That was until he dropped a bomb on me, and informed me that he recently has been seeing someone and although he would be glad to be my friend, that was all at this time. Will I be this guys friend? I don’t know, maybe. I appreciate the honestly, but I know myself all too well, and it is really hard for me to be friends with men I find attractive.

We all get shot down, it happens. But by expanding your reach, exploring new opportunities you CAN find someone, or at the very least find a new friend. I will continue to use the POF app, along with okcupid and Tinder. If you see me out there, don’t be afraid to say hello!

What is your favorite online dating site/app? Are you willing to pay the prices to be on match.com and other pay-to-play sites? Have you also made good friends through failed dating attempts? I love your stories and I look forward to reading them! Thank you for reading and happy soul searching! xoxo