I have been reading a lot of messages and profiles recently on online dating sites. It really started making me think about certain phrases and words I saw often, and how subjective a lot of what we say can be. For example: I say I enjoy drinking wine. My version of enjoying drinking wine is trying different wines, exploring their different characteristics and learning about them. However, to another person, enjoying drinking wine might mean that in the random occasion that they are at a bar, they enjoy a glass of wine as their drink of choice. However, to ANOTHER person, this may mean that they enjoy binge drinking wine (a handle of Moscato or White Zinfandel) on frequent occasions resulting in black outs and random sex-capades.
The point is, if I met a person and we both said we enjoyed drinking wine, at first it appears to be something we have in common. However, in our own individual contexts, we might not actually have anything in common. This can apply in a number of situations, but what I plan to discuss today are some common terms and phrases in the dating world that can be very subjective.
“Crazy girls need not apply.”
Well apparently this person must want no girls…because it is likely that at some point in every girl’s life she has been considered crazy. I know that I have been referred to as a ‘crazy girl’ before by some men that I have met. However, it is possible that MY kind of crazy is NOT the kind of crazy that you are trying to avoid.
I knew a guy who had an ex-girlfriend that actually broke in to his home and attacked him in his sleep. I would consider her crazy. However, my obsessive need to make plans in advance may have appeared crazy to the guy who called me it…but I would never break into a guy’s house and attack him in his sleep. (Unless it was preplanned with him…and for fun!) Every girl has their own version of ‘crazy’, it is just about finding the right guy who finds our ‘crazy’ not so…crazy?
That’s why I think that instead of using the blanket term crazy when listing what you are not looking for, it may be more beneficial to elaborate a bit. For example: In the case of my obsessive need to make plans in advance. The person could say “I am not really a planner, and I don’t like to follow a schedule. So if that is something that is important to you, then it is possible we might not click.” Now you have clearly defined what it is you might NOT be looking for, and you didn’t have to say crazy in order to do it. So the OCD girls will click away, move on, and not waste your time and you can find the ‘un-crazy’ girl of your dreams.
“I’m a really nice guy.”
There was this guy I knew…he used to post on Facebook all the time! Always whining about how he was such a nice guy, and how he didn’t understand why girls didn’t want him, but only wanted assholes. I have seen a number of profiles and messages of men either making the same argument or just in general saying that they are a nice guy.
Men of the world, most girls don’t actually seek out assholes. A lot of the time we are completely unaware that our man is an asshole, until his assholic-ness shines through. That being said, I also think that almost every guy is a nice guy. Because it really depends on what your definition of NICE GUY is.
Is a nice guy just someone who doesn’t cheat? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy just someone who holds doors for women and always pays? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy someone who never argues or verbally battles with a woman? Maybe to some…Is a nice guy just someone who doesn’t beat women? Maybe to some…
The point is there is no globally used definition for a NICE GUY. It can be a number of things, and it might not always mean the same thing to different people.
My ex and I were out to dinner one night. Dinner ended and we were getting ready to leave. I stopped to use the restroom before we left to head home. When I walked out of the restroom he wasn’t in the corridor waiting. I waited a few minutes, just incase he also had to go…Finally I decided to head out to the parking lot to see if he had gone out there. I walked out to the parking lot to find that his truck was gone. I stood around, looking, trying to see if he was anywhere…. I tried calling him… I started to worry, but just then he zipped around the corner and puled up next to me. He was laughing his ass off from watching me look like an idiot while I wondered whether or not he had left.
So…I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS! I laughed the whole ride home as we replayed the story over and over again. I told other people about it because I thought it was so funny…I was surprised to see that so many people called him an asshole by the time I finished the story. I didn’t think he was an asshole for doing that, I thought it was an awesome stunt, and for the most part, he is a pretty nice guy. WAIT WHAT?!?! NICE GUYS CANNOT BE ASSHOLES!!!!!! Umm…yes…they can…
Personally I don’t like when a guy is overly nice. I want them to have ‘nice’ traits…don’t cheat on me, don’t ignore me, don’t physically or verbally abuse me… but I like a guy with a little fight in him. My major point is instead of saying “I’M SUCH A NICE GUY!” say WHY you are and tell more about YOU. Otherwise it could get lost in translation and girls might skip over you because they are worried you will be ‘too nice’.
Wow. I have a lot more but this is getting really wordy. So perhaps this will be a PART 1 of MANY! 🙂 I try to keep these posts relatively short so they are a little less daunting to read. There are many more words and phrases out there. Just take these two examples and read through your profile, or your messages, and see if you can find more examples.
What are YOUR definitions for the two samples above? Let’s see how different or alike they may be! I think you’ll find it’s a little hard to break your perception of the phrase and put it into words. What do you think about the stunt my ex pulled? Asshole? or Hilarious? Please follow my blog, and like/comment/share my posts if you enjoyed what you have read! That is the only way I will know you all are out there! 🙂 You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid for updates on when new posts are up! Thank you and happy soul searching! xoxo