Tag Archives: pof

Why A Girl DOES NOT Message You Back!

I have had numerous men message me on a daily basis asking WHY they never get messages back from girls. It is hard to really give an overall reason for this, because I believe it is highly situational. The ‘lack of response’ really depends on two things…you and the person you are messaging. I have tried to come up with a list of the top reasons WHY you are not getting a response from the wonderful ladies of the online dating world. This is not complete, and it may not actually apply to you at all, but what the hell i’m going to do it anyway! ūüôā

She’s Just Not Into You…

This is the most likely reason WHY you are not receiving a response from a girl. If a girl decides from your message/profile that she does not see a connection, she isn’t going to try to make one happen. This brings me back to my car buying analogy…WHO goes into a car dealership and test drives a car that they don’t like…and then sits in the car trying to justify ways in which they could ‘get used to’ this car…while being surrounded by dozens of other cars that they like better? NO ONE! Unless you don’t have the money for the other cars…then you end up settling with the car you don’t like as much and eventually this car will break down.

NEWS FLASH! If we are interested in a guy, we MESSAGE THEM BACK! We might count the minutes between messages to ensure we don’t seem overly ‘clingy’, but we will definitely message you if we like you.

“What You’re Looking For…”

When I first joined online dating I knew that my overall goal was to find a man to be in a relationship with, and possibly one day marry. That is why on my profile in the ‘looking for’ section, I clearly state what I want. If I received a message from a guy who just has ‘casual sex’ selected, I will not be as inclined to respond because it doesn’t look like we are looking for the same thing.

I think we all have been in that situation at least once where we REALLY wanted a relationship with someone, and they inform you that they do not want a relationship…not just WITH YOU…but in ANYONE. There are plenty of people that are just looking for some version of companionship without the strings attached. So I see it as a red flag when you aren’t looking for what I want, because I don’t want to waste my time trying to make something happen that in the end YOU don’t want to happen.

So if you really are just looking for casual sex, but no one is responding, change what you’re ‘looking for’ to a relationship or marriage, and you might have better luck. But you SHOULDN’T do that because that would be LYING and that is a total DICK move.

Your Message…

I almost want to throw my cellphone through a window sometimes. I will find a man that has a pretty good profile, and all the stars are lining up…but then he messages me. This is why I urge you to be careful and cautious in that first message. You can ruin EVERYTHING in that message. It is almost shocking the number of very well put together men will start off by saying something like “I bet you taste amazing.” or “I am very well endowed. Text me I will send a pic.” or “Damn baby girl…”

Okay…sexual comments should be avoided in the initial message…unless the girls profile clearly states that is precisely what she is looking for. Contrary to popular belief, the size of your penis does not make me tremble and wish I could experience it. If I want to look at big dicks I can watch porn. I am on an online dating website to find a relationship, not to look at big dicks. As for the last example…I just hate when someone starts off with pet names…you can call me baby but I would prefer us to be dating or fornicating when you do. Keep it clean, keep it classy…you don’t want to risk offending someone.

You Have No Photos…

I’m sorry…it is 2014 and almost everyone has access to a smart phone with a camera, a regular camera, a computer with a built in camera, or friends with one of these items. There is NO excuse to not have a picture on your profile. Now I understand that some people don’t want to post pictures because they are afraid that people they know will see them and judge them for being on online dating…well….that person would have to be on online dating as well in order to see you… Chances are they could care less about you being on there too.

I have stumbled across a lot of friends that I know in real life, on online dating. Normally they either don’t say a word, or send a friendly message wishing me luck in my search. It really isn’t the nightmare you are imagining it to be.

I have also heard people tell me that they don’t post pictures because of their job or career. I say: treat your online dating profile like your Facebook. Don’t put things on there that you wouldn’t want your potential or current employer to see.

Regardless, there are just some situations where you are not comfortable posting pictures, and that’s fine. However, if you don’t have pictures on your profile, then don’t be surprised when you don’t get a lot of responses to your messages. I see a lack-of-photo as a red flag, and I typically do not even bother with these profiles…I am sure your charming personality is to die for, but I don’t invest in ‘sight unseen’ profiles.

Other Reasons:

  • She didn’t have time to respond when she read your message.
  • She got distracted and forgot about your message.
  • She is dating someone.
  • She dropped her phone in the toilet.
  • Her cats stole her phone and buried it in the litter box.
  • Her phone was in her purse that was stolen.
  • She forgot her POF/OKCUPID/ETC password.
  • She lost her fingers in a lawnmower accident.
  • She left her phone charger at work.
  • She is busy messaging other dudes.
  • She is on a date and can’t message you right now.
  • She broke her glasses and can’t read your message.
  • She was kidnapped by a tinder-guy and the tinder-guy has her phone…and guess what? He doesn’t want to respond to your message.
  • She accidentally hit delete on your message and it is lost forever.
  • She spilled wine on her phone and it won’t turn on now.
  • Your message made her ‘weak at the knees’ and she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her phone.

Like I said…THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS WHY A GIRL DOESN’T MESSAGE YOU BACK. But ultimately at the end of the day, the most common reason is she is just NOT interested in you. It sucks…but you have no choice but to accept it and move on. She clearly is NOT the RIGHT girl for you. You will know when it is the RIGHT girl because this girl WILL BE MESSAGING YOU. It took me five years on/off of online dating to finally meet someone that I wanted to be with, don’t be shocked when after a month of failed attempts you are STILL TRYING. The juice is worth the squeeze my friends!

Thank you for taking the time to read! Please follow my blog if you enjoyed what you read and want to read more! You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid for notifications when a new post is published! Please e-mail me at how2cupid@gmail.com if you have any private questions or comments you would like to make! Good luck and happy soul searching! xoxo

Advertisements

Online Dating… SUCCESS?!

After spending time in the online dating world, you will hopefully find success and a person that you honestly feel a connection with. I am talking about after the messaging, the number exchange, the first date, and now you have found yourself genuinely interested in this person and eager for more.  Although online dating can be exhausting, I think that this is the most difficult part and for many reasons.

In my eyes, a new ‘relationship’ is very similar to buying a new car. After searching for so long, you finally find a car that you want to commit to and bring home with you. This car you plan on driving daily, and spending a lot of time with. It is a great feeling when you finally make the decision to buy this car, that is…until you pull out of the dealership.

You start to drive this car, and begin to feel fear…fear that something might happen to it…fear that either yourself or another, will cause this car to crash and possibly total it. It is amazing how much insecurity we have, that we don’t even realize exists, until we find something that we are so afraid to lose. You find yourself being overly safe and cautious, even when doing the simplest of tasks. A drive to the grocery store is now laced with anxiety that a stray shopping cart will come rolling across the parking lot and right into your brand new car.

When I decide I really like someone, I strive for perfection. I reread a text a zillion times before sending it, when just a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have even considered a possible fault in it. I start reading into everything and overanalyzing the simplest of things. I find myself growing with concern more quickly, and jumping to conclusions in an instant.

I don’t know where this comes from… I don’t know if everyone feels the way I feel in this situation… Is it past experience? Or am I just a more anxious person? Is it a lack of confidence? Theories can be discussed as to ‘why’ but even if I knew, I couldn’t change it.

The part that really sucks about this, is by being insecure and over-analytic you can actually be more harmful than if you could just let go and not think about it. You can end up being obnoxious or annoying…you can end up being that person constantly seeking reconfirmation that everything is OKAY and this person STILL LIKES YOU.

When you find someone that you feel is ‘too good to be true’ it is so hard to not ask for someone to pinch you occasionally to confirm that you are NOT dreaming. So where does this all come from? Why on a dating advice blog am I writing about relationships? Well that’s because recently I agreed to be in one. I mentioned in a past post about a guy I had met through online dating that I really enjoyed, and we have continued to see one another. It’s almost humorous how I am so well versed in casual dating, yet I am a complete mess when it comes to a relationship of my own.

I start to think back to that old phrase… “those who can’t do, teach” …how much truth exists in that statement? Is it possible that I can sit here and give great advice to family, friends, and complete strangers about relationships…yet I can’t follow my own advice? I swear the past few days I feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland…toting around good advice, yet I can’t seem to follow any of it myself.

Don’t get me wrong…things are going really well with this new man in my life. I just find myself worrying that I am going to mess something up. I worry I am going to take my new car and accidentally smash it into a guard rail because I let my guard down for an instant. So I have two pieces of advice to offer up this evening:

  1. If you decide to try online dating in pursuit of a relationship, make sure that is exactly what you want. Don’t lead someone on if you don’t honestly think you want to take that step with this person. Be CLEAR about your intentions.
  2. If you are like me…make sure you find someone, like I did, that you care so much about already, that you don’t let your insecurities make you run scared.

Fear not readers…although I will be experimenting more in the relationship world, I still have plenty of casual dating advice to offer. I might occasionally mix the two in the event that I find a link somewhere that I think could be helpful for you to read. I hope, if anything, this news will give you hope. Hope that it IS possible to find a great match through an online dating website. Hope that not every girl on online dating is a slut and all the men players. It is through effort and honesty that we all can find someone to love.

Thank you for reading! Please follow my blog if you like what you have read! You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid for updates when new posts are up! Please e-mail me at how2cupid@gmail.com if you have any questions or need personal advice!

Question for the Day: Do you have an online dating success story? Please post in the comments below and tell me about it!!!

Thank you and Happy Soul Searching! xoxo

PS. I saw a BuzzFeed post about an Instagram account where a girl posts some cruel messages she has experienced from men in online dating and other platforms. I would recommend taking a look at her Instagram @byefelipe — I thought it was sad..but entertaining none the less.

Asking a girl out IRL…

I had a reader send me an e-mail recently about a situation he has found himself in. There is a girl that works at a local establishment that he visits. He is attracted to this girl, and thinks that it may be mutual, and would like to know if he should ask her out.

The answer is…YES!

Any opportunity where you don’t ask a girl out is an automatic failure. That is why I have never hesitated in my life to give my phone number to a complete stranger. The worst thing that can happen is NOTHING. You never hear from them again! Then at least you can rest easy knowing that you tried, and you never have to sit up at night wondering ‘what if’.

There are some major things to consider when you are contemplating asking a girl out in her place of work. This procedure needs to be accomplished with more grace and caution than an online girl, or some girl at a bar. Depending on the nature of her job, she could be surrounded by coworkers and other customers at the time you make this attempt. This is why you have to make sure to do it in the right way.

DON’T BE CREEPY!!!

Chances are this person may not always be the one taking care of you when you visit the establishment. For example: If this girl is a waitress, you might not be seated in her area every time you come in to dine. DON’T request to be put in her area, or offer up your spot in line in order to have her waiting on you. Co-workers TALK, and this seemingly safe maneuver can result in her thinking you are being creepy.¬†That being said, just because she isn’t the one that takes care of you, doesn’t mean you can’t ask her out. Don’t try to set up the Hollywood romance scene that you have been day dreaming about. She isn’t going to throw her notebook to the ground and undo her hair and take you on a table…IF THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE — PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT IT! I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT.

NO COMPLIMENTS!

It may be tempting to begin the conversation with a simple compliment to engage her… I actually had a pretty intense debate with a male and female friend of mine the other night. The male believed the compliment was necessary in order to set the tone. However, the two of us girls agreed we would much rather NOT be complimented at this time. There are a few reasons why the compliment is NOT a good idea…

  1. The compliment can draw attention to the situation. As I mentioned, there is a good chance coworkers and other customers will be in ear shot of this conversation. I might not care to eavesdrop on another transactional conversation between my coworker and a customer, but the second I hear something a little less transactional…my ears perk up. You DON’T want to DRAW ATTENTION to this conversation! It can embarrass her and do the exact opposite of what you intended with the compliment.
  2. The compliment defines the intentions. Girls are very analytical when it comes to the opposite sex. We will spend hours tearing apart a single sentence to find some underlying meaning to it. If you compliment her, she will likely assume you are wanting to date her, or have sex with her. This puts the pressure on, and can make her shy away from texting or calling you.
  3. We are girls…we get compliments ALL the time. Your lack of compliment can actually separate you from the pack and make you seem mysterious and more intriguing to the girl.
  4. We don’t need a compliment to make us smile, your phone number is PLENTY.

Once you have successfully given her your number and received your first text from her, that is when you can open up a little bit more. I am not saying to never compliment the girl, but I think at least in the initial swap it should be avoided.

SHORT & SWEET

It is extremely important to keep this interaction very short and to the point. This benefits you in a few ways…

  1. You leave her wondering. If you don’t say a lot and just offer up your phone number and leave, she is going to spend the rest of her shift thinking about you. She will probably spend the better part of an hour staring at the slip of paper you wrote your number on…just wondering…
  2. The short interaction leaves less time for anyone to notice it is happening. This means she won’t feel embarrassed¬†or be hounded by her coworkers who will offer to help her tear apart the situation. She can instead feel good about herself and go on with her normal workday.
  3. You won’t be seen as an inconvenience to her when she is trying to perform her job. For example: If she is a Barista, she likely has a zillion things to do and can’t spend a lot of time talking to you. She will APPRECIATE your thoughtfulness in being quick and to the point.

DON’T GIVE HER A CHANCE TO SAY NO

Do not ASK her a question. Do not say “Would you like to go out sometime?” or “Can I give you my phone number?” This opens up the opportunity for her to make a quick assessment and say NO. You stand a much better chance with this girl if you put the ball in her court with time still on the clock. Simply say something along the lines of…”Hey I would be interested in getting to know more about you, here’s my phone number, text me if you are interested.” It is THAT SIMPLE. Then WALK away. When you walk away, don’t just storm out like a coward. Walk casually off to the exit, and make sure to turn back and look at her. Don’t look at her like a CREEP, but just a soft gentle glance, and then keep on walking.

The reason I suggest the look back, is because it shows CONFIDENCE. You are not afraid to give this girl your number, and you’re NOT afraid to look her in the eye. Do not ruin a perfect setup by putting your tail between your legs and stumbling off like Napoleon Dynamite in a head first run. The look back also gives you the opportunity to see her true reaction…is she smiling? Is she tossing your number in the trash? Is she gushing about you to a coworker? You might catch a peek of that as you turn to look which can help you determine your chance of success.

FOLLOWUPS…? NO!

After this interaction occurs, unfortunately you might not hear from her or you might get a text that says she isn’t interested in hanging out. The important thing is to just ACCEPT the fact that she isn’t interested. Do NOT bring it up to her again. This is a risky deal because chances are you frequent this establishment. It could be a restaurant, bank, grocery store, and anywhere really. You don’t want to make it awkward for her or yourself when you have to visit again.


The most important lesson that I hope you take away from this is DON’T be afraid to take a chance. You might not get the response you want, but it is a hell of a lot better than never knowing. The majority of the relationships that I have been in started from someone taking a chance. The worst thing that can happen is they say NO, but you’ll never know until you try.

Have you ever taken a chance and asked out a person at their place of work? How did it go? Ladies! Weigh in! How do you feel about being complimented at your place of work by a customer?  Please comment below with your thoughts and opinions! I look forward to reading them!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read! I hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween! We did a Rock & Roll themed Halloween at my work:

Rock&Roll Jenn

Rock&Roll Jenn

What did you dress up as for Halloween? Please follow my blog if you enjoyed what you read and would like to read more! You can also follow me on Twitter @how2cupid for updates! If you have any comments or questions that you would like to share privately, you can e-mail me @ how2cupid@gmail.com. Thanks for reading and happy soul searching! xoxo

FIRST DATE FAILURE……..

I have been perusing the messages and eligible bachelors of okcupid, POF, and Tinder over the course of the past few months. As I have previously mentioned, this summer I went on over thirty FIRST dates from the online dating world. I emphasize the word FIRST because that is all that ever came of these dates. After spending time messaging back and forth with these individuals, I eventually agreed to go on a date, and then the date ended and so did our communication. A week and a half ago, I finally broke my first date curse and found a man that I definitely wanted to see for a second time. Why did this guy make it to round two, when over thirty other men didn’t, and hundreds didn’t even get the chance to try? Well…let me break it down for you…

I spend a lot of time criticizing and offering up suggestions for improvements on online dating profiles. The point of having a great profile is to successfully get to that first date. This is your sales pitch (contrary to match.com’s commercial claims). This is your chance to catch the eye, and then the mind of an individual that could possibly be a match for you. If you don’t have a profile that can grab the attention of viewers, then you’re going to find yourself having a hard time landing dates.

I have mentioned repeatedly the importance of honesty when you’re making your profile. This is a sales pitch, but you don’t want to give false advertising just to get a date. The reason why, is because when this girl meets you for the first time, you can’t hide behind your profile and lies anymore. You don’t want a girl’s first impression of you to be filled with disappointment. It is hard enough trying to imagine a person that you’ve never met, based on pictures and descriptions alone. Obviously when we start to imagine you, we imagine you in the most ideal of form. When I say FORM I don’t mean chiseled abs and defined arms, I mean FORM as in the model of yourself that you’ve described.

The number one reason why all of my FIRST dates never grew into anything more than that, is because of false advertising. It is because I couldn’t get over things that people lied about in order to catch my eye. I have spelled all of these out before…the short TALL guy, the quiet OUTGOING guy, the HEAVY fit guy… Could I get over some of these infractions? Yeah I probably could, but being lied to hurts so it makes it kind of hard to do that.

I like to think about online dating as something very similar to job hunting. You look through all the listings and try to find ones that you feel you would be interested in doing, or qualified to do (scanning dating profiles). After you make your choices, you reach out to the company and apply for the job and submit you resume (message girls). If the company sees your resume and thinks that you would be a good fit for the job, then they will call you in for an interview (girl messages you back). Then you go in for the interview and tell them why you would make a good fit for the company (messaging back and forth with girl). If the company decides that they want to extend an offer, then you have a job (congrats you got a date).

HERE is the part where if you LIED in your resume or in your interview, the company is going to find out. If you claim to know how to program in Java, then on your first day you’re given a task in Java and you can’t code it, then they’re going to know you lied. This will likely result in your employment being terminated because YOU SHOULDN’T LIE ON A RESUME! This is very similar to when you go on that first date… you can’t hide anymore. It is no longer about a sales pitch, or how good at interviews you may be… this is real. This is why so many men can’t get past the first date.

The point is…be real and be true…there is NO POINT in lying because if you plan on seeing this through, eventually it is going to come out in the open. So why did this guy make it to date number two when so many others failed? Because he was exactly who he said he was, which was exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t feel disappointment, instead I felt excited, and anxious to see this person again. Don’t leave your dates feeling like they were fooled…make them feel like they just won the online dating lottery by being with you!

Thank you for reading! What is the biggest thing that you have been lied to about through online dating? Have you ever lied and someone was able to see past it? I would love to hear your feedback and comments! Please follow my blog if you enjoyed what you read and would like to read more! You can also follow me on twitter @how2cupid for updates on when new posts are up! If you have a suggestion or a comment you would prefer private, please feel free to e-mail me at how2cupid@gmail.com.

Thanks again and Happy Soul Searching! xoxo

Upcoming Posts!!!

Hello everyone!!!! I would love to hear some of your requests for future topics to cover!!! Please comment below, tweet me @how2cupid, or e-mail me at how2cupid@gmail.com with your ideas!!!

If you’re also a blogger and your idea is chosen, I will include a link to your blog in the post!!!!

I look forward to hearing your suggestions and writing up new material for you!!!!!! Thanks for reading and happy soul searching! xoxo

IMG_7713.JPG

Tough Love….Men & Messages….

I normally try to not repeat topics so that my material is always new and untouched. However there is a topic that I covered in an earlier post that I believe needs to be brought back up and thoroughly reexamined.

**THIS IS MY PERSPECTIVE ONLY AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY ENCOMPASS THAT OF EVERY WOMAN ON ONLINE DATING**

**Slightly explicit material near the end, reader discretion is advised.**

If I had a dime for every time a man wrote me a message to tell me how rude I am for not messaging him back (even if it is to just let him know that I am not interested)…I could quit my job. I have never noticed this habit as much on okcupid, however on POF this seems to be an hourly battle.

MEN OF THE ONLINE DATING WORLD…LISTEN UP!

Since my initial entry into POF, my daily message stream has calmed down considerably. However, that still leaves me with at least 50+ messages a day. I don’t check my messages the second they are received, I normally check them when I wake up, during lunch, and while i’m lounging around later. So when I do check my messages there are normally around 20 or so to go through at a time.

The men of the online dating world have expressed that they feel that if I am NOT interested, I should still send a response to let them know. In case you have never had a lot of messages in your POF inbox, let me tell you how this app works.

FIRST: I have to scroll down through all the messages in order to get to the first one I have not read. This can take a few flicks of my finger on the screen to get there.

SECOND: I open your message and read it, if your message hasn’t completely scared me off, I will view your profile.

THIRD: Upon viewing the profile I will decide whether or not I am interested. IF I am NOT interested, I will switch back to my inbox and move on to the next message.

HERE IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE APP. If I were to do as all of you think I should, and respond to EVERY message that comes my way…after I type and send my message, the app takes me back to the top of my inbox. So then I have to go back to step one and work my way through the steps once again. If I DON’T message you back to tell you i’m not interested, then I can go to where I left off in my inbox instead and quickly get to the next message.

“Oh that’s just you being lazy, it wouldn’t take that much extra time to message a person back to let them know you’re not interested…”

I agree, that sounds like a pretty lame excuse to not send a letter of declination. HOWEVER the problem is ¬†the person will RESPOND to my message, and 9 times out of 10 ask me WHY I’M NOT INTERESTED. This starts the never-ending loop. If I try to reply to 50 messages and tell them all i’m not interested…at least half of them will respond wanting to know why, and the other half will respond to thank me and move along. So now I have doubled my daily inbox intake to AT LEAST 100 messages a day. (AND THIS IS ONLY ONE OF THREE APPS I’M A MEMBER ON!)

The point is when a girl doesn’t message you back, go ahead and assume she is NOT interested. If she responds and doesn’t say ‘i’m not interested’ then that means SHE PROBABLY IS INTERESTED!¬†

I have had some people who have messaged me a few times…first the initial message, followed by a sad face or a ‘I guess you’re not interested…’, followed by a message calling me some kind of name (slut, bitch, whore, skank, jerk, etc) for not messaging them to tell them i’m not interested. There have been a few times that I decided to speak up and let the person know that i’m not interested and that it is nearly impossible for me to message EVERY ONE back to tell them that.

I won’t do that again…WHY? WHYYYYYY? Because every guy that I have EVER told “I am NOT interested in YOU“, has ALWAYS come back and attacked me about how I am such a superficial person for NOT being interested in them. They think that because they don’t have abs, perfect hair, great height…THAT is WHY I am NOT INTERESTED in them. Here are some excerpts from the message stream:

  • “Oh i’m sorry just because I don’t get drunk and hit girls I guess i’m not good enough”
  • “What do I have to do? Join a gym? Start binge drinking? Cheat on you? Is that what you want?”
  • “I’m a nice guy, it sucks you have to be such a superficial bitch or you would see that.”
  • “F**k you. You’re f**king ugly anyway and I was just going to f**k you and leave.”
  • “You’re a stuck up bitch and probably full of STDs anyway…”
  • “You will wish you would have gave me a chance¬†when some guy leaves you bruised and bloody you stupid c*nt”

Yeah…this is what I get to read every single day. I didn’t even pick the bad ones, some people are REALLY messed up. It sucks because online dating is something that I think should be fun, and I feel bad that I have upset so many people, but i’m here to make ME happy…That’s the point of these sites. I don’t understand people who waste their time attacking someone through messages when they should be spending their time looking for the right girl (or boy).

I wish I had the time to message back every single person and give them some detailed account of WHY i’m not interested…but I have a life, a job, cats, family, friends, and so many other things going on that keep me from spending my day responding to messages. What kind of life would that be to have to spend it hurting people’s feelings and telling them WHY you’re not interested? A REALLY SHITTY AND SAD ONE! So I prefer to keep my positive vibes and only message those that I am honestly interested in.

I’m sorry if this was a little bit of tough love, but seriously suck it up. So many men on dating sites act like I OWE THEM something…I don’t owe you shit. If that makes me a superficial bitch, then I guess I am a superficial bitch. I’m going to instead focus on positive energy and the nice messages, and the messages from the guys I decide I am interested in…

How many girls out there have experienced something similar? This happens in real life too! I would love to hear your feedback.

MEN: Would you like to counter any of my points and reasonings? I would love to hear about it!

Please follow if you enjoyed reading so you will always be up-to-date on the latest posts! Please like/comment if you enjoyed reading this post!

THANK YOU FOR READING & HAPPY SOUL SEARCHING! xoxo

What a total BUZZKILL.

I really hope the men of the world are completely blind to the moments where they create a major buzzkill in a woman’s life. A buzzkill being defined as an act that takes away the excitement and joy over something. There are a lot of times where men have been a major buzzkill in my life, and some of these instances I blame for deterring me from exploring new possibilities. Is it a permanent deterring? No. But it definitely makes me think twice before putting myself in that situation again.

The Promise of a Date…

I understand that things come up, and plans sometimes have to be cancelled… However timing is key here. When a woman knows she has plans with a new man, she tends to spend a lot of extra time in preparation. Let’s pretend that I have invited you over to hang out at my place…

In preparation for our evening I likely will:

1) CLEAN THE WHOLE FRIGGING PLACE
2) Wash my sheets (just in case)
3) SHAVE EVERYTHING, even those pesky little knee hairs that can be hard to get…
4) Buy his favorite snacks/drinks
5) Spend the entire day anticipating the evening with an exhausting extra pep in my step.

Everything has to be perfect, because I am trying to impress you… and then an hour before our date I get the buzzkill text or phone call. If it is a legitimate excuse, it definitely softens the blow when it is short notice… however aside from death/major illness/car problems and other similar reasons…I am going to be crushed. I will spend my night drinking my wine while telling my cat that he is the only man I need… while also dreading when my friends ask me how my date went…

You Just Left After a Great Date…

Nothing is better than that feeling of excitement at the close of a great date. If the date ends with a kiss…a woman ends up replaying that magical kiss over and over in her head until she remembers to look at her phone. Then it starts… the once overwhelming excitement is soon replaced by anticipation laced with anxiety… What is he thinking? Did he enjoy this as much as I did? When will he text? Should I text him? Did he say he would text? Maybe I am supposed to text? What if he dropped his phone in the toilet? What if he got in a car wreck on his way home? … you question your own sanity until you fall asleep clutching your phone… then you wake only to find that you never received a text from him… You are now stripped of all the excitement of the night before and are left feeling more hateful and agitated than you ever imagined you could feel…

That is one of the really shitty parts about dating. No matter HOW MUCH fun you might have, and no matter HOW MUCH you might really like the person, it is always possible that they just did not enjoy you. I think this is probably one of the biggest dating buzzkills known to man… maybe…

After You Sleep with Them…

Dating has been going great and you are really feeling a connection with this person…so what is the next step? That magical evening when you decide ¬†you will no longer keep your legs glued together as if there is some industrial strength velcro attached to each of your thighs and if you pull them apart that means a nuclear missile will be launched that will kill some small, innocent town somewhere…Extreme? That IS how it feels when you are in the withholding sex stage of a relationship. Even though you REALLY want to do it, due to moral reasons or self respect…etc YOU wait and wait and WAIT. There is an age old phrase…why would he buy the cow if he can get the ice cream for free? You hope and you pray that sex is NOT the magical thread keeping him tied to you, but you will never know until you pull that thread and do it.

Some men are more patient than others and can play along for a really long time in order to get what they want. I am NOT saying that all men just want SEX. But unfortunately there are a LOT out there that are just looking to jump from one sexual conquest to the next. This is why it can be quite scary for a woman when she decides to finally concede and bump uglies.

Then it starts…will it be the same? Will our once joyful excursions and conversations continue on as though the night before never happened? Or will he become distant…and eventually non-existent in your life. It is the buzzkill to end all buzzkills when you lose what you thought was a great guy after having sex with him. Some men look at the world of women as one giant war, and each individual woman is a battle within that war. Once they have sex with you the battle is won and the war goes on…onto the next battle.

The ‘Become Official’ Discussion

When you’re dating a guy for awhile, you start to wonder when he will ask you to make this more official. Sometimes you’re official with a guy and you don’t even know it. I had a guy once that I was dating casually for a month and finally I caved and asked him ‘Are you ever going to ask me to be official?’ and his response was ‘I thought we already were?’ So eventually you might find yourself having a similar conversation. After about a month of steady dating, I think that the ‘official’ conversation is definitely due at that point. After a month you know if you want to continue seeing this person, or not. Here are the major buzzkills that can come from this conversation…

  • I’m not ready for a relationship.
    • ¬†Really? Aside from a title, and the official rights to your balls, how is this any different than what we have been doing? This makes me think that you are enjoying hanging with me, but you want to keep your options open…just in case.
  • It is too soon…
    • If you are car shopping, and find a car you like…You don’t just go visit the dealership and drive the car around when you feel like it. You BUY the car so you have exclusive rights to the car so NO ONE ELSE CAN DRIVE IT and YOU CAN DRIVE IT WHENEVER YOU WANT. After a month…you either buy the car, or you give someone else a chance to buy it…ASSHOLE.
  • I’ve been hurt a lot in the past…
    • So? Who HASN’T? If you fall off the horse you get back on it! How dare you allow another person to start caring about you, if you aren’t actually emotionally available?? By saying this, you are also insinuating that you think I might hurt you. If you keep giving me all these bitch excuses, don’t worry…I will hurt you…a swift kick to the balls should do the trick.
  • I don’t have time for a relationship…
    • Such a bullshit excuse! Dating and being in a relationship are NOT very different. What they are saying is they don’t want to feel like they HAVE to do anything for you, they want it to be optional.

Failure in this discussion doesn’t just end there… How many times have you been actively trying to be in a relationship with someone and they deflect all of your attempts? Then you find yourself constantly correcting friends and family on a daily basis as they refer to this person as your ‘boyfriend’…men ask you on dates and although you’re ‘technically single’ you still feel like you need to be faithful to this person until they’re ‘ready’ to commit…You don’t want to screw anything up so you start finding yourself being overly cautious about everything…


Dating can be a BLAST, but there are definitely moments along the way that can really sting…I know that men experience this just as much as women…but this is from a ‘girl’s perspective’. I promise i’m not an evil man-hater. I love men…except when they are being stupid…

The point of this post is…there are a lot of times when you find yourself climbing the mountain of excitement and you end up in a land of vulnerability. You’re on a steady adrenaline rush from the climb, but it is very easy to lose yourself up here and come crashing down. Some people just choose to stay in the valleys surrounding the mountain, and settle with other fallen souls. You might not be alone, but you’ll never find that excitement that awaits at the top of the mountain. BUZZKILLS SUCK! But don’t let them keep you from trying again and again. It is when you will least expect it, that someone wonderful is going to finally not let you fall (in the bad way), and instead lift you up.

Thank you for reading! When have you experienced a major buzzkill in the crazy dating world? I would love to hear about it! Please follow my blog and like/comment on this post if you enjoyed it! It helps me know who is out there reading so I can make sure to bring more posts that you will enjoy!

Happy Soul Searching! xoxo